Madhouse
by Sapphire Daisies
Summary: A simple game of hopscotch gone awry.


"Are you freaking kidding me."

"Your team lost the bet."

"…Damnit."

Gray slumped over the wooden dining table, landing his face right into Natsu's plate.

"WHUDDAPHUX TOUCH MY CHICKEN AGAIN AND I'LL BEATCHU UP."

Lucy pressed her hands to her ears and groaned. "I can't believe we lost to Levy-chan's team…"

"Who knew they were so talented?" Erza mused.

"HOPSCOTCH IS NOT A GAME OF TALENT. THEY GOT LUCKY, THAT'S ALL." Gray sprang up from his seat, pointing an accusing finger at a grinning Levy. "I CALL HAX. HAAAAX, FRIGGIN' HAX."

"Don't be a sore loser, Gray. We wouldn't have lost if it weren't for you hopping all over the place. Dear god, man, can't you SEE the lines? THEY'RE BIG AND WHITE, FYI." Natsu rolled his eyes, shoving a piece of chicken that had fallen off of Gray's cheek back into his mouth.

"Excuse me. I would have been able to distinguish the lines perfectly, if it hadn't been for you, Mister 'OH HEY I HAVE TO BURN EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE I GO BECAUSE IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A PRO.'"

"The lines weren't erased because of my magic." Natsu grumbled defensively. "Erza's big feet stomped them out."

"What was that?" The aforementioned mage leaned towards Natsu, casually twirling a pointy fork in her hands.

"Did I say Erza? I meant Lucy. Gawd, get those dinosaur feet checked out, Luce, really now." He covered smoothly, hastily picking up his plate of chicken and finding a seat across from Erza. He scooted closer to the irritated celestial mage, nudging her arm. "Sup, baby."

"I HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR YOUR AWKWARD FLIRTING." Lucy yelled, jabbing him in the forehead.

"Okay, okay, I lied. I'm sorry. I'm obviously too attractive for this game's flimsy lines. It was my smoldering hotness. It just… you know, smolders."

"…"

"MY CHICKEN. DON'T… ERZA, DON'T YOU… MONSTER! HOW COULD YOU? COLD HEARTED EVIL SATANIC SPAWN OF THE DEVIL SWORD WEILDING EYE NARROWING PAINFULLY… POINTY SPEAR… Okay, I'll behave, I promise."

"Look, it doesn't matter why ***cough* **Natsu ***cough*** we lost. ("SHE'S TRYING TO SURREPTITIOUSLY PLACE THE BLAME ON ME. ERZA, WHY DON'T YOU EAT _HER_ CHICKEN? THAT'S NOT FAI – OW, OKAY OKAY, SHUTTING UP NOW, THANKS.") We still have to carry out the punishment, and I don't know about you guys, but I am SO not looking forward to that." Lucy flipped her hair angrily and resumed her slump over the table.

Levy-chan giggled. "Oh, you guys are too cute. It's not sooo bad! You just have to switch personalities and act like each other for a day!"

All four members of Team Natsu groaned audibly.

"Luuuuuu-chan!" Levy grinned. "You are going to switch with N—"

"I WON'T DO IT. There is no way I can act like an emotionally devoid manly warrior diva woman."

"…With Natsu."

"Ahh… that's… Hey Erza, for a long time now, you've been my role model and I really want to tell you how much I appreciate everything you've done for me and like, you know you're like my older sister figure mom thing and I really do respect you hey, here, why don't you have some cake?" Lucy shoved a plate of strawberry pastries in front of Erza, who reached out eagerly, abruptly dropping her killing spear.

"THE EFF. All it took was some cake! No one tells me anything around here." Natsu whined.

"Natsuuu, you have to be Grey!" Levy continued.

"I OBJECT!" Both males jumped up, right arms raised.

"And Erza will be Lucy, with Gray acting as Erza! Well guys, hop to it. GET IT, "HOP" CAUSE YOU LOST AT HOPSC… Oh forget it."

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"This is borrrrrriiiiiing." Lucy complained, slumping down over the table.

"I think it's pretty awesome. COME ON LUCE, get into character! Let's have an epicly awesome battle!"

"No. Go away." The girl waved him off, not even glancing up from her position.

"Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce." He plucked at her sweater persistently.

"Fine." She sighed. "Uh, I'm a dragon slayer. Rawr… and stuff. Let's fight, Gray, my rival for reasons I don't even know of. I'm sick and tired of your… uh, perverse tendencies, you… you… uh, no clothes man. Yes, let's battle. I will completely and utterly destroy you and rape and pillage your lands and dance upon your grave with abhorrence and malicious glee… Or you can just hand over your lunch money, that's cool too."

Gray shook his head. "Pathetic."

Over in the corner, Gajeel hooted with laughter.

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"…Whoo~ Girl talk. What I do best." Gray leaned over the counter, one arm supporting his chin.

"I like clothes." Erza shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"…Really? I would have never guessed." Gray grumbled, leaning further into his palm.

"I also like cute things. Like bunnies. And clouds. When I grow up, I want to be a cloud."

"…Okay."

"Don't get me wrong though. Just because I like cute things doesn't mean I don't like adult things too. I am very adulterous. I mean, wait. That word doesn't mean what I want it to mean. I am very… mature. I am in possession of some very, very intense underwear."

"You don't say…"

"In fact, my underwear is so exquisite that many men will kneel before me and ch-"

"ERZA. I mean, Lucy! Can we not talk about the potency of your underwear? Let's discuss… the weather. Yes, the weather is nice and safe."

"The weather? Well… I, because I am Lucy, cannot tell you _whether_ or not my underwear has had any effect on other males. You see, I am quite dense. I am also very shallow. My insecurity being the reason for my dangerously elaborate lingerie. I dress provocatively in order to entice men. I have this theory, you see, about women being delicate flowers who are prone to low-self esteem and hesitancy and how we need a strong man to help nurture us and direct us towards becoming lovely, blooming buds of passion and energy, lest we wilt beneath the burning blaze of society and its politicians."

"…Mirajane? Can I get what Cana's having?"

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"HOOHOO. I think I am amazing because I can make things cold and chill other people's beverages! HELLOOO, REFRIDGERATOR. All fear my popsicle creating skills! I am none other than the prissy, GRAY FULLBUSTER."

"Prissy?"

"Prissy. Prince Sissy."

Lucy watched Natsu stomp around the guild hall, chucking popsicles at unwitting Fairy Tail members. She raised an eyebrow, amused at her "rival's" antics.

"ICE MAKE… POPSICLE! HAH. GRAPE FOR YOU. ORANGE. LEMON. LEMON. RASPBERRY."

"You're really weird, you know that?" She laughed, clutching her sides. Natsu walked up to her, grinning, and handed her a popsicle.

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"I ALSO REALLY LIKE WRITING AND READING NOVELS ABOUT STEAMY ROMANCES. I READ THIS ONE STORY WHERE THE HERIONE WAS CAUGHT IN HER LOVER'S BEDROOM AND SHE HID UNDER THE BLANKETS TO AVOID DISCOVERY, ONLY TO HAVE HIM COME AND –"

"Shoot me now."

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"Victory!" Lucy cried gleefully, sticking her tongue out at Natsu. The other boy scowled, folding his arms.

"What a cheater."

"Nope. I won fair and square Naaaatsuuuuu." She leaned forward, poking his cheek. His scowl deepened.

"OKAY. FINE. REMATCH." He shouted, rolling his sleeves up… only to realize that he had no sleeves to roll up.

"You're on!" Lucy grinned, determined to beat the boy once again.

From a nearby table, Levy glanced over worriedly. "They're really getting into it! I hope they don't hurt each other."

Happy looked up from his meal and shrugged, handing her a fish head.

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"…Really? I think I portrayed Lucy quite accurately, if you ask me."

"I… I will agree with you if you discontinue your rant about a woman's precious flower."

"I suppose. You have yet to display some Erzaness, Gray. I am disappointed."

"I am the greatest woman on the face of this planet, incomparable to the snotty likes of Natsu and Gray."

"Oh, perfect."

"…I also doodle ERZA FERNANDES all over my papers."

"…"

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Both combatants glared at each other, determination and persistence etched onto their faces. Lucy blinked, and sweat trickled down her forehead. She raised an arm and wiped her face, refusing to back down to Natsu's unbelievable power. Who knew he was capable of such malevolent destruction? To think, her nakama… about to obliterate her in a single blow.

"Bam. Charizard owns your bulbasaur. I win."

"Bullshit." She cursed, throwing her deck onto the table. "Shitty pokemon."

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"Here, does that feel better?" Erza handed Gray an ice pack.

"Oh, an ice pack, THAT HELPS. NOT LIKE I NEED, YOU KNOW, MORE ICE OR ANYTHING, CAUSE I'M AN ICE MAGE AND ALL."

"I'm sorry I hit you. Multiple times. In delicate areas."

"…"

"Man up, Gray."

"I'm fragile."

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"I swear, I have never had as much fun as I've had today! You guys are so awesome; I'm actually really happy you lost, or we wouldn't have had so much fun, right?" Levy smiled. "Uh, guys…?"

"Dude, what are you talking about? You're not allowed to call out three of them at the same time!"

"By sheer willpower, you can! And obviously, I am the world's best pokemon trainer, so I should be granted some privileges."

"Yeah, but that's complete bullshit! All three of yours against ONE of mine? Cheater!"

"Don't be bitter."

From the sidelines, Levy whistled, hands in her pockets. "Well, I didn't do it."


End file.
